Title Envy

We received nearly six hundred submissions for this “Southern Sin” issue. As they poured in—and before we had read even a single word of a single story—we realized something: Southerners know how to write a title.

Unfortunately, there’s only so much room in the magazine, and regretfully, we had to turn down many fine essays. The submissions we received ran the gamut from folksy to biblical, literal to imaginative, serious to downright hilarious, and the titles told fantastic stories all on their own.

Here are some of our favorites, loosely (very loosely, at times) organized by—what else?—the seven deadly sins.

“Driving the Taxi of Pleasure”
“Glory, Glory Hole-elujah”
“Sex Fractals”
“Sportfucking in Alabama”
“Tongues, Lust, and a Man from Indiana”
“Yankee Hanky-Panky”
“Lusting after Lance”

“Cooking for Sinners”
“Dr. Sin Learns to Bake Biscuits”
“Misery Loves Gluttony”
“The Three S’s of Southern Sinning: Sneak It In, Sip It Up, Stagger Out”
“You Drink, Too”
“Baby Jesus and a Waffle House Drunk”
“Ham’s Curse and Our Duty of Progress”
“Mistaken Opinion About Homemade Beer”

“Are the Wages of Sin Tax-Exempt?”
“Gambling in Biloxi”
“Remarry $$$$$$”
“Suburbanite Social Contract”
“The Foxfield Races Are Decadent and Depraved”

“Cold Wet Laundry”
“Probably It’s Nothing Fancy”

“Justice May be Blind, But She’s Also Racist”
“Mississippi Hostage”
“Murder at the Flea Market”
“The Boy Who Kicked the Box”
“All Tomatoes Are Rotten in My Book”
“Early South Carolinians: The Worst Vermin on the Earth and Refuse of Mankind”
“Sin of Disregard: A Brush with Claws, the Killer Chicken”

“Bert and the Snake”
“If He Was Mine”
“Looking for Lanky”
“Otherwise Rational People”
“The Elusive Ramos Gin Fizz”
“Watching Me Watching You”
“Long Mustaches and Decorated Horses”

“Show You How to Do This, Son!”
“Hell Has an Exit”
“Lulu’s Southern School for Liars and Cheats”
“Never Leave the House Without Lipstick”
“Granny’s Little Sinner”
“Great Is Thy Faithfulness: The Sin of Being Too Churchy for Church”
“At Home in Hubris, Texas”